GARBAGETOWN – PAT BREEN

So, get this. Have you ever wondered how so much stuff ends up on the internet? I, personally, have never been one to spend my time uploading how-to videos or written tutorials or really anything to help others, but I often find myself googling stuff and taking advantage of the internet’s collective kindness, helping me learn new things and appear to be a better and more learned person than I actually am. What drives people to upload all this content? I finally figured it out when I created Grown Up Ecto Cooler. There’s this inexplicable force urging me to tell the world about what the hell I did. This is what all the kids must feel when they decide to make a youtube video on how to post an animated gif on facebook (you can’t, btw, without getting some dumb facebook app which is stupid.)

So, I’m bored sitting in Lexington, KY cause that’s what you do in Kentucky. So I’ve decided to put together a quick pictorial recipe for a morning-after drink I created to help wash those dreary headaches away: Grown Up Ecto Cooler.

Ingredients

Beer
Limeade
Mountain Dew
Rock Candy/Pop Rocks/Salt
Limes

Step 1:

Cut up your limes and smash up your rimming rocks of choice. I chose rock candy because it was all I had on hand. Salt works well, obviously, or if you got a wild hair up your ass, go with pop rocks for an added adventure.

Step 2:

Rub some Lime around the rim of the glass and dip it into your rimming rocks and get this rollercoaster moving.

Step 3:

Add about half a glass of beer. Any crum bum beer will do. I chose Bud Light Platinum because I’m an idiot. As a sidenote, I do not recommend drinking budlight platinum. While it provides an added alcoholic push, at what gastrointestinal cost, dear readers? It is too crude to mention. Use your imagination.

Step 4:

Add about 1/4 of a glass of Mountain Dew. I’ve chosen DIET Mountain Dew. I’m trying to watch my figure.

Step 5:

Add 1/4 a glass of Limeade to give your drink a little weight and thicken it up a bit.

Step 6:

No step 6. You’re done, stupid. Now go enjoy yourself. You’ve managed to crush these pieces of coal into a delicious brain diamond. Look at how sweaty and tasty that looks you just wanna have it all to yourself. You’ve earned yourself a few hours to relax. This recipe isn’t perfect and could use some tweaking for enhanced flavor. I blame the DIET Mountain Dew. If anyone figures out something to make it better, lemme know. Maybe a maraschino cherry or something. Whatever.