So I’m bored sometimes, and drunk other times, and today I was a mixture of that and I read this article: http://jezebel.com/5923898/republican-horrified-to-discover-that-christianity-is-not-the-only-religion
So, since I’m unemployed, I wrote this letter to Representative Hodges. I hope you like it.
Dear Representative Hodges,
Hello. I hope you are having a wonderful day today. It’s hot where I am. Is the weather nice where you are? I hope it is because people generally like nice weather. I know I do. I read your recent statement about the Act 2 school vouchers in Livingston Parish, LA, and I was floored. Not since the Constitution of this Great United States™, have more poignant and truer words been committed to print. Your masterful interpretation of the laws of this great nation of ours would leave columbo, matlock, and murder she wrote lady fumbling to form sentences, as their brains shut down at the very thought of connecting the dots of your complex theorums, leaving them drool-soaked, babbling shells of their former selves, committed to homes and old-timey mental institutions for the stars, where jaded nurses neglect them, barely finding the time to clean the poop out of their pants in between bong rips. I wanted to commend you on your keen observation that “a thousand muslim schools” have shown up recently. I, in my liberal haven of Massachusetts, have noticed that same phenomenon. I pass nearly two hundred Muslim schools, where I am harassed for being a white, non-practicing catholic in the predominantly Muslim-based town of Boston, MA, each day on my way to Walmart. I work at Walmart and my job is to beat up minorities and poor people. I don’t get paid but I’m very passionate about my job.
I know you’re thinking, “but Boston isn’t a predominantly Muslim town! It’s filled with white people and a lot of them are bigots.” So I apologize for lying to you. I just assumed that if you can make the claim that Muslim schools are teaching radical Islam to our nation’s youth and that they don’t deserve the same rights that Christians deserve, then you must be some crazy shit-head, shut-in, who has never left her home and doesn’t know anything about the geography or ethnic makeup of the rest of the country or planet. I can only imagine you were elected in some shady, shadow election, where no one voted in the entire county except you, and your public appearances featured you broadcast on a old sony TV screen from your home to crowds of other nut jobbers. Or maybe you know James Cameron, because he seems crazy too, and he gave you the avatar technology, which allows you to function in regular, outdoors society while really being in a pod and in regular-D and not 3-D. The fact that you were somehow voted into office makes me think less of the great state of Louisiana, which has given us so much culture: Jazz music, Cajun cuisine, and hurricanes. Were you in office when the hurricane showed up a few years ago? If you weren’t, I bet you would’ve handled it really shittily. If you were, I’m sure you were on vacation at the time.
Some good has come out of this whole interaction. You have inspired me, because despite being a drunk and moderately employed, I now have the confidence to run for public office. If I trim up a bit, buy a really nice suit, and say really uninformed, shitty things about the state of the country, I can probably trick some county somewhere into thinking I’m fit to represent them.
Anywho, I just wanted to let you know that I think you are the dumbest person I know. You are way dumber than me even after I’ve drank, like, twelve cans of beer. And let me assure you, when I do that, I am dumb. I’ve fallen down stairs and bandaged the wounds with painters tape and toilet paper and I still think that’s a smarter decision than telling a public news source that you don’t feel muslims deserve school vouchers, and in turn, giving the world documented proof that you are an idiot. Oh, and when I said you were the dumbest person I know, I lied. I don’t know you at all and I’m glad I don’t, you big, dumb, idiot and can you please give James Cameron my latest script?